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Way back when I was just a little bitty baby
And living in a house under the government of the mushroomians of the Mushroom Kingdom of the country half an earth from Yoshi's Island
(You've seen the place)
Well anyway, back then life was going great
And everything was juuuuust PEACHY!
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact
That every single month, the Koopas would try to take over the whole land of Mushroom Kingdom..
Mama miaaaa, BIG ARMY OF KOOPAS!
EVERY SINGLE MONTH!
It was driving me nuts!
I asked to my mom,
I asked,
"Hey, mom, what's up with all the turtles?!"
And my impatient mother, she looked at me like a crow looks at its weakened prey...
And she kneeled right down next to me,
And she said...
"FORGET THE TURTLES!!!"
And then she tied me to the desk
And stuck toothpicks in my eyelids
And force-read me no turtlish things
Until I was 25 and a bunch years old!
That's when I swore that some day,
Some day I would get out of that reading room
And travel to a magical far-away place
Where the Able Juice is always fresh
And the air smells like warm mushrooms
And the towels are oh-so fluffy!
Where the mushrooms and the humans play their Game Boys all day long
And anyone on the street will gladly share their Pick-Me-Up for a coin!
Mama -ama mia -ia yeah!
Well let me tell you people,
It wasn't long at all before my dream came reality.
Because the very next day, a local warp pipe trans
Had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of spores in the average mushroom.
Well, I was off by point five, but I still won the grand prize...
That's right, a first class one warp ticket
To
Muu-uushroo-oom Kingdom!
Muu-uushroo-oom Kingdom!
Oh yeah,
You know, I've never been in a real warp pipe before.
And I gotta tell you,
It was really great.
Except that I had to sit between two large mushroom capped businessmen arguing over an extruciatingly urgent contract deal,
And the little kid in back of me kept poking me the whole time,
The warp attendants ran out of warp jackets and safety helmets,
And the in-warp movie was Pokémon with Ash Ketchum,
And--oh yeah--three of the warp pipes burned out
And they went into a tailspin and crashed into a house
And the pipe exploded into a giant kaboom
And everybody was injured!
Except for us.  You know why?
Because
We had a different warp pipe, and our seats weren't greasy a-at a-all,
Because we had
A different warp pipe, and our seats weren't greasy a-at a-all,
Because we had
A different warp pipe, and our seats weren't greasy a-at a-all,
"A-hahaha, a-hahaha, haaa."
So I walked from the warp pipe trans.
I strolled on my head's thoughts for three full days!
Dragging along my big mushroom suitcase,
And my snack bag,
And my jumping shoes,
And my one pound tennis ball,
And my lucky, lucky busted glow-in-the-dark night-light.
But finally I arrived at the semi-famous
Mushroom Kingdom Hotel!
Where the towels are oh-so-dry!
And you can eat your soup right out of the sink if you want to,
(I have yet to figure out how to stop it!),
Well I checked into my room,
And I turn down the AC,
And I pump up the radio jams,
And I'm just about to eat that chocolate-covered mushroom on the pillow that I love,
When suddenly,
There's a knock on the door!
"Well now who could that be?"
I say,
"Who is it?"
There's no answer.
"Who's theeeere?"
There's no answer!
"WARIO?!"
They're not saying anything!!!
So finally I go over and open the door,
And just as I suspected,
It's my big, tall plumber brother with a me haircut and only one bad side, called "Luigi".
Oh, man, I hate it when I'm wrong.
So, anyway, he bursts into my room
And he grabs my chocolate-covered mushroom
And I'm like,
"Hey, you can't have that!
That mushroom has been just delivred for me!"
And he's like,
"And?"
And I'm like,
"Don't eat it!"
And he's like,
"Watch me."
And I'm like,
"Nah."
So I grabbed his hand
And he grabbed my cap
And I bit off the mushroom
And he chewed off the other half
And I took out his left-most tooth
And he gave me a hospital bill,
And yes, indeedy, you better believe it,
And somehow in the middle of it all, the AC got knocked to "off".
And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice,
And you know what it said?...
I'll tell you what it said!
It said:
"Mario, if you do not mind at all,
Please put on the AC,
If you need help just flip up the switch and then it won't be so hot!"
"Mario, if you do not mind at all,
Please put on the AC,
If you need help just flip up the switch and then it won't be so hot!"
In
Muu-uushroo-oom Kingdom!
Muu-uushroo-oom Kingdom!
Well, to cut a long story short,
He got away with my desert.
But I made a solemn vow, right then and there,
That I would not rest,
I would not sleep two days long,
Until the one-brothered man was brought to my place.
But first I decided to buy some lunch.
So I got in the city,
And I walked over to the deli shop,
And I walked right up to the guy behind the stuff,
And he said,
"Heeeey, are you gonna order?!"
I said,
"You got any glazed sandwiches?"
He said,
"NOOO, WE NEVER HAD GLAZED SANDWICHES!"
I said,
"Well, you got any jelly 'shrooms?"
He said,
"NOOO, WE'RE OUT OF JELLY 'SHROOMS!"
I said,
"You got any home made cream filled stuff?"
He said,
"NOOO, I'VE NEVER HEARD OF HOME MADE CREAM FILLED STUFF!"
I said,
"You got any cinnamon gwarioe?"
He said,
"NOOO, WE'RE OUT OF CINNAMON WHATEVER-YOU-SAID!"
I said,
"You got any mushroom fritters?"
He said,
"NOOO, WE'RE OUT OF MUSHROOM FRITTERS!"
I said,
"You got any caps?"
He said,
"Wait a minute,
I'll go check.
NOOO, WE'RE OUT OF CAPS!"
I said,
"Well in that case,
In that case, what DO you have?"
He said,
"All we have right now is this box of one dozen Fear Bombs."
I said,
"Oh, okay, I'll take nothing."
So he takes out the box,
And opens up the lid,
And the bombs immediately hit on my face
And I run scared all over!
"Wah wah wah wah,
Wah wah wah,
~shriek, shriek~."
Oh man, I was just going crazy!
The bombs were making me scared!
Well, you know, I think it was just about that time that a little diddy started going through my head,
It even went a little something like this,
"DOH!  HELP ME!  HELP HELP HELP ME!  OH!  AH!  HELPHELPHELPHELPHELP!  OH!  AH!  HELP HELP ME!  AAAAHHHHH!!!"
I ran out into the street with these pride-eating bombs all over my face,
Waving my arms all around,
And running, running, running like an insane, crazed koopaling.
And as luck would have it,
That's exactly when I ran into the girl of my comic books.
Her name was Pauline.
She was a construction site enthusiast with a slight overbearing touch,  and the color of peaches.
I'll never forget the very first thing she yelled to me,
She said:
"Dufus, just take the bombs off."
From that moment on I knew it was true love!
We were sorta together after that!
We ate toegether, we talked together, we even shared the same bill at that resturant.
The world was okay.
So we got married,
And we bought us a house
And we bought us two beautiful monkeys,
Donkey Kong and DK Jr..
Oh, we were so very, very, very indifferent.
Oh yeah.
But then one fateful night,
Zelda said to me,
She said,
"Sweety pumpkin?
Would you want to join a parenting class?"
I said,
"Woooah!
Hold on now baby!
I'm just not ready for that kind of a whatever!"
So we broke up and I never saw her again,
But that's just the way things go,
In
Muu-uushroo-oom Kingdom!
Muu-uushroo-oom Kingdom!
Anyway, things were really looking up for me,
Because about a week later,
I finally achieved my life long dream,
That's right,
I got me a part time job at the museum!
I even got tour guide of the day
After I dissed that tourist who insulted the place!
Oh, yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that!
I was gettin' a lot of attitude!
Okay like one time,
I was outside the resturant,
Trying to figure outs what I wanted for dinner,
When I see this guy Wario trying to carry a big bag of money to his house by himself!
So I-I say to him I say,
"Hey!
You want me to help with that?"
And Wario, he just makes a huge grin,
And goes, "Yes, I want you to help me get off with this money I stole."
So I did.
And then everyone hates me!
They're like,
"Hey man, he stole that money!!"
Well that's just great,
How am I supposed to know that?
I'm not a mind reader for crying out loud.
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname:
Wario!
So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another odd accident:
So this guy comes up to me on the street and tells me he hasn't had a friend in three years.
Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny,
I offered to be his friend!
And he's yelling and screaming and hopping all over,
And I'm like,
"Hey-ey, c'mon, don't you get it?"
But he just kept running around in a circle,
Jumping and screaming "YAAAAY!   YAAAY!  YAAAAAAAAY!"
You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation.
Some people just can't get a joke.  You know?
Anyway, uh...
Where was I?
I kind of lost my warp of thought.
Well, okay, well, well anyway, I know it's a round-about way of saying it,
But I guess the whole point I'm really trying to make here is
I
HATE
KOOPAS!
That's all I'm really trying to say.
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in a bad situation in life,
Full of bad reading material,
And wracked with the boredom and dumbness of the pitiful, meaningless books,
At least you can take a small bit of interest in knowing,
That somewhere out there in this mind-numbing old mixed-up world of ours,
There's still a big place
Called
Muu-uushroo-oom Kingdom!
Muu-uushroo-oom Kingdom!
Mushroom Kingdom!
Mushroom Kingdom!
Mushroom Kingdom!
Mushroom Kingdom!
Mushroom Kingdom!
Mushroom Kingdom!
I say "M,"
"M"!
"U,"
"U"!
"S,"
"S"!
"H,"
"H"!
"-room Kingdom,"
"-room Kingdom!"
Mushroom Kingdom!
Mushroom Kingdom!
Mushroom Kingdom!
Mushroom Kingdom!
Mushroom Kingdom!
Mushroom Kingdom!
Mushroom Kingdom!
Mushroom Kingdom!
Mushroom Kingdom!
Mushroom Kingdom!
Mushroom Kingdom!
Mushroom Kingdom!
Muu-uushroo-oom Kingdom!
It's-a me-a, Mario!